Kyoko might have made a bit of a scene today as she tried to stop Mami from leaving.
She might have spent the time on the platform searching the crowd for her, even if, deep down, she knew she wouldn't find her.
She might have stayed out there on the platform until the second horn sounded. And when it did --
When it did, she got back on the train. She stood with her back against the door, fists buried deep in her Ravager coat's pockets, head bowed, her bangs hanging over her eyes. Until, eventually and suddenly, she moves: slamming her fist against the wall beside her, and then stalking off down the passageway.
Kyoko heads straight to the gym. She's simmering with restless, frustrated energy, and she can't tolerate the idea of sitting still anywhere right now. All around her, train life goes on as normal. Newcomers being greeted, friends calling out to each other, making food for one other, finding ways to pass the time. And she can't stomach it right now. She can't.
Part of her wants to pick a fight with someone -- a real fight, not just an argument. But at the same time, she doesn't want to talk to anyone. Doesn't want to be around anyone. She could go hole up in her bunk, but she's afraid of being left alone with her thoughts even more.
If we're supposed to go on like normal, then fine. That's what I'll do.
Once arrived in the gym and securing a space for herself, Kyoko throws herself into her personal training. Uses her illusion magic to create a duplicate of herself to spar against. Long spears clash, sometimes breaking down into chains to catch the other in a trap. But every time one gets the chance to strike home, do some real damage, they stop. Reset. Start again.
It isn't until one of the Kyokos gets knocked into someone else's practice space that they stop. The one furthest away fizzles out, the magic dismissed, as the one who is now in another person's space -- your space -- picks herself up off the floor.
"Sorry 'bout that. Didn't brace for that hit as good as I thought I did."
Eventually, she gets hungry. Of course she does. Sometimes, she thinks there's a part of her that will always be hungry, no matter how much or how often she eats. This is one of those times. But besides that, she was just off training. All that exercise put a dent in her energy reserves -- magical and physical, both. It's only natural she'd get hungry.
But as she meanders around the dining and kitchen cars, trying to think of what she wants to eat... She runs into a problem.
Around this time, normally, she'd be eating Mami's cooking. And what she wants most, more than anything else in the whole world right now... is to eat Mami's cooking.
It makes her feel like a little kid again, because there's a part of her that wants to throw a tantrum about it. I want Mami's cooking, or else! Except that "or else" wouldn't really get her anywhere. She isn't about to refuse to eat at all unless it's something Mami made for her. And who exactly would she make empty threats to? There's nothing to do but suck it up and figure something out.
Her mood is low, low, visibly low in the sag of her shoulders and the furrow of her brow. She ends up digging up some bread and cheese out of storage. She drops her ingredients on the little counter next to her stove, which happens to be next to an occupied one. She glances over at the person cooking next to her, and... before she even sets a pan on hers, she's leaning over into their space to take a look.
"Hey... What are you making?" There's distinctly less energy in her voice, making it fall flat and sound almost disinterested.
That bird ambush almost killed her. And it's not even like she was careless -- Well. That's a lie. She shouldn't have been out on patrol. She knows she needs to be careful with her magic. But she thought it was where she'd have the most use. Fighting is what she's best at, after all, and these birds are a serious problem. But she can't say she was careful, because if she was, then she wouldn't be in this position. She'd be off lending some muscle to construction efforts or something instead. But all her efforts so far to keep herself busy, make herself useful, without spending magic, without getting into fights --
They didn't make her feel better. She thought it'd be enough to keep her mind off Mami, but at every turn, she kept expecting to see her. In base camp, making sure people are fed. Offering healing to those who needed it. And each reminder of her absence has been a sharp twist under Kyoko's ribs, leaving her breathless and off-balance. The more it happened, the worse it got.
And now... Now -- Kyoko is curled up around her spear, her back against a patch of ruined fence, out in the middle of nowhere. She's lucky she didn't full-on break anything, but she thinks something's wrong with her left leg. Fractures somewhere or something. And she's pretty badly cut up, but she's trying to stem the bleeding with her magic. For all the good it's doing. Healing magic has always been her worst, and with the interference from this world, even with that white crystal from Hemla...
She's just wasting magic. Magic she really doesn't have to waste. She's burned through so much since Mami left. Using illusions to run from Nozomi. Using them to spar with herself. That fight with her Blue Team counterpart. Enchanting the pipe for Nozomi. Just transforming and summoning her spear on this world. Just existing here. Using any magic here at all. And then, the birds just now. Kyoko didn't use her magic to attack them, she knows better at this point, but she had to use it just to stay alive. All those magical girl acrobatics she's taken for granted until now...
Her Soul Gem is so dark she can barely see the red shining underneath the impurities.
Her SCA is beeping at her. It has been ever since she escaped from the birds. For all the good it does her -- She knows. She knows already. This is really bad.
But... Is there anything she can do, at this point? It's just like back when she was a kid, and she was hungry, so hungry, but there wasn't anything to be done. There wasn't any food. There aren't any Grief Seeds. There is no Rosetta. She should've listened when Yondu tried talking about back-ups, alternatives. But Mami had it under control, and Kyoko never thought for a second that -- something like this would happen. Even after finding out that Mami had died. Even after Homura disappeared from the train. Even after the months of watching people silently walk into the platform mists. How did she let herself get so complacent? How could she be so stupid? Just because Mami took care of it...
Mami... Mami... She never told her...
She'd gotten complacent there, too. Thinking that -- after the last few missions, after she apologized, after she swore to Mami she'd always be by her side, after she told her all the things she told her before coming to the train -- She really thought she could finally move forward. Not without regrets, she'll always have regrets, but she promised Mami that she would live to make up for her sins. She would do better. She would be better. And Mami... Mami promised her the same thing -- That she would work hard to do better by her -- They would be walking forward, hand in hand, together. She really thought she wouldn't have any more regrets when it came to Mami.
And now -- Now... Now... She's thinking, I never told her. Never told her... what? It's not like she has the same kinds of feelings about Mami Nozomi does. She wouldn't call it... She wouldn't say that her feelings are... But ever since hearing Nozomi say she had a crush on Mami, that she hadn't told her, the regret in her voice, the tears on her face --
Haha. Kyoko really is... stupid. So stupid. I never told her. I didn't want to see it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to think about it.
The cracks in her hull, the ones she's been trying so hard to keep patched, are finally too big. The water is seeping in. She's going to drown like this.
She doesn't... want to become a witch. She doesn't want to curse the world. She doesn't want to cause trouble for this place everyone's been working so hard to save. What kind of damage could a witch do, set rampant on a world never visited by Incubators? How many sali would she kill? How many Voidtreckers? The friends she's made... Yondu...
Yondu. Yondu. After everything he's done for her, everything she's put him through, she can't put him through this. The image of his old crew comes to her mind, floating lifeless and cold. The silhouette of his back as he stared at them. She can't. She can't do this to him. The despair she felt looking up at Sayaka's witch wouldn't hold a candle to what he would feel.
It would've been better for the birds to have killed her. She should have let them kill her, instead of running away.
But she... She could still... die. She could break her Soul Gem. Pull it off her chest and drop it on the ground and crush it under her heel. Or stab her spear down into it. Press it between her hands until it shatters. Then... She'd wake back up on the train, right? She'd be useless for the rest of the mission, but at least she won't be destroying it and everything they've been working for.
Kyoko touches her Soul Gem. Her fingers shake against her skin. She... She's scared. She's... really scared. Even knowing that she won't stay dead, even knowing -- She's already died once. Already failed Mami once. Failed Sayaka. Failed Madoka. Even failed Homura, who warned her not to face Mami. All she's ever done... is fail the people who matter to her. She couldn't save her mother. Her sister. Her father. Her friends... Not even herself. And then... And then she couldn't stop Mami... from leaving. She couldn't save her. Why did the train pick her? How is she supposed to fulfill a mission of saving entire worlds when she can't even save a single person? Would it really be better if she died... and stayed that way?
She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to become a witch. She doesn't want to starve. She doesn't want to let anyone else down. She doesn't want to keep failing. She doesn't want to be alone.
After a long moment, Kyoko pulls her hand, still shaking, away from her Soul Gem. She presses her fingers clumsily against her SCA.
[Kyoko doesn't sound good. Her voice is thready and wavering, her breathing labored.]
This is... Kyoko. Purple Team. I'm... on the South Island. Somewhere. Kind of lost track. Hahaha... [That laugh doesn't exactly sound. Healthy.]
I need... purify -- If you can cleanse... curses, impurities, I don't know what else to call it. My Soul Gem... is... If something isn't done about it...
... Yondu... I... didn't want you to see me like this... but... I can't -- I'm sc... [I'm scared. She swallows the word down. Even now, she can't say it out loud where everyone can hear her.] I need you to... come get me. I can't walk.
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intro
posted
sept platform
platform / exposition
She might have spent the time on the platform searching the crowd for her, even if, deep down, she knew she wouldn't find her.
She might have stayed out there on the platform until the second horn sounded. And when it did --
When it did, she got back on the train. She stood with her back against the door, fists buried deep in her Ravager coat's pockets, head bowed, her bangs hanging over her eyes. Until, eventually and suddenly, she moves: slamming her fist against the wall beside her, and then stalking off down the passageway.
gym
Part of her wants to pick a fight with someone -- a real fight, not just an argument. But at the same time, she doesn't want to talk to anyone. Doesn't want to be around anyone. She could go hole up in her bunk, but she's afraid of being left alone with her thoughts even more.
If we're supposed to go on like normal, then fine. That's what I'll do.
Once arrived in the gym and securing a space for herself, Kyoko throws herself into her personal training. Uses her illusion magic to create a duplicate of herself to spar against. Long spears clash, sometimes breaking down into chains to catch the other in a trap. But every time one gets the chance to strike home, do some real damage, they stop. Reset. Start again.
It isn't until one of the Kyokos gets knocked into someone else's practice space that they stop. The one furthest away fizzles out, the magic dismissed, as the one who is now in another person's space -- your space -- picks herself up off the floor.
"Sorry 'bout that. Didn't brace for that hit as good as I thought I did."
kitchen / dining
But as she meanders around the dining and kitchen cars, trying to think of what she wants to eat... She runs into a problem.
Around this time, normally, she'd be eating Mami's cooking. And what she wants most, more than anything else in the whole world right now... is to eat Mami's cooking.
It makes her feel like a little kid again, because there's a part of her that wants to throw a tantrum about it. I want Mami's cooking, or else! Except that "or else" wouldn't really get her anywhere. She isn't about to refuse to eat at all unless it's something Mami made for her. And who exactly would she make empty threats to? There's nothing to do but suck it up and figure something out.
Her mood is low, low, visibly low in the sag of her shoulders and the furrow of her brow. She ends up digging up some bread and cheese out of storage. She drops her ingredients on the little counter next to her stove, which happens to be next to an occupied one. She glances over at the person cooking next to her, and... before she even sets a pan on hers, she's leaning over into their space to take a look.
"Hey... What are you making?" There's distinctly less energy in her voice, making it fall flat and sound almost disinterested.
sept breakdown
that's why i gave up on — | cw: suicidal ideation
That bird ambush almost killed her. And it's not even like she was careless -- Well. That's a lie. She shouldn't have been out on patrol. She knows she needs to be careful with her magic. But she thought it was where she'd have the most use. Fighting is what she's best at, after all, and these birds are a serious problem. But she can't say she was careful, because if she was, then she wouldn't be in this position. She'd be off lending some muscle to construction efforts or something instead. But all her efforts so far to keep herself busy, make herself useful, without spending magic, without getting into fights --
They didn't make her feel better. She thought it'd be enough to keep her mind off Mami, but at every turn, she kept expecting to see her. In base camp, making sure people are fed. Offering healing to those who needed it. And each reminder of her absence has been a sharp twist under Kyoko's ribs, leaving her breathless and off-balance. The more it happened, the worse it got.
And now... Now -- Kyoko is curled up around her spear, her back against a patch of ruined fence, out in the middle of nowhere. She's lucky she didn't full-on break anything, but she thinks something's wrong with her left leg. Fractures somewhere or something. And she's pretty badly cut up, but she's trying to stem the bleeding with her magic. For all the good it's doing. Healing magic has always been her worst, and with the interference from this world, even with that white crystal from Hemla...
She's just wasting magic. Magic she really doesn't have to waste. She's burned through so much since Mami left. Using illusions to run from Nozomi. Using them to spar with herself. That fight with her Blue Team counterpart. Enchanting the pipe for Nozomi. Just transforming and summoning her spear on this world. Just existing here. Using any magic here at all. And then, the birds just now. Kyoko didn't use her magic to attack them, she knows better at this point, but she had to use it just to stay alive. All those magical girl acrobatics she's taken for granted until now...
Her Soul Gem is so dark she can barely see the red shining underneath the impurities.
Her SCA is beeping at her. It has been ever since she escaped from the birds. For all the good it does her -- She knows. She knows already. This is really bad.
But... Is there anything she can do, at this point? It's just like back when she was a kid, and she was hungry, so hungry, but there wasn't anything to be done. There wasn't any food. There aren't any Grief Seeds. There is no Rosetta. She should've listened when Yondu tried talking about back-ups, alternatives. But Mami had it under control, and Kyoko never thought for a second that -- something like this would happen. Even after finding out that Mami had died. Even after Homura disappeared from the train. Even after the months of watching people silently walk into the platform mists. How did she let herself get so complacent? How could she be so stupid? Just because Mami took care of it...
Mami... Mami... She never told her...
She'd gotten complacent there, too. Thinking that -- after the last few missions, after she apologized, after she swore to Mami she'd always be by her side, after she told her all the things she told her before coming to the train -- She really thought she could finally move forward. Not without regrets, she'll always have regrets, but she promised Mami that she would live to make up for her sins. She would do better. She would be better. And Mami... Mami promised her the same thing -- That she would work hard to do better by her -- They would be walking forward, hand in hand, together. She really thought she wouldn't have any more regrets when it came to Mami.
And now -- Now... Now... She's thinking, I never told her. Never told her... what? It's not like she has the same kinds of feelings about Mami Nozomi does. She wouldn't call it... She wouldn't say that her feelings are... But ever since hearing Nozomi say she had a crush on Mami, that she hadn't told her, the regret in her voice, the tears on her face --
Haha. Kyoko really is... stupid. So stupid. I never told her. I didn't want to see it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to think about it.
The cracks in her hull, the ones she's been trying so hard to keep patched, are finally too big. The water is seeping in. She's going to drown like this.
She doesn't... want to become a witch. She doesn't want to curse the world. She doesn't want to cause trouble for this place everyone's been working so hard to save. What kind of damage could a witch do, set rampant on a world never visited by Incubators? How many sali would she kill? How many Voidtreckers? The friends she's made... Yondu...
Yondu. Yondu. After everything he's done for her, everything she's put him through, she can't put him through this. The image of his old crew comes to her mind, floating lifeless and cold. The silhouette of his back as he stared at them. She can't. She can't do this to him. The despair she felt looking up at Sayaka's witch wouldn't hold a candle to what he would feel.
It would've been better for the birds to have killed her. She should have let them kill her, instead of running away.
But she... She could still... die. She could break her Soul Gem. Pull it off her chest and drop it on the ground and crush it under her heel. Or stab her spear down into it. Press it between her hands until it shatters. Then... She'd wake back up on the train, right? She'd be useless for the rest of the mission, but at least she won't be destroying it and everything they've been working for.
Kyoko touches her Soul Gem. Her fingers shake against her skin. She... She's scared. She's... really scared. Even knowing that she won't stay dead, even knowing -- She's already died once. Already failed Mami once. Failed Sayaka. Failed Madoka. Even failed Homura, who warned her not to face Mami. All she's ever done... is fail the people who matter to her. She couldn't save her mother. Her sister. Her father. Her friends... Not even herself. And then... And then she couldn't stop Mami... from leaving. She couldn't save her. Why did the train pick her? How is she supposed to fulfill a mission of saving entire worlds when she can't even save a single person? Would it really be better if she died... and stayed that way?
She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to become a witch. She doesn't want to starve. She doesn't want to let anyone else down. She doesn't want to keep failing. She doesn't want to be alone.
After a long moment, Kyoko pulls her hand, still shaking, away from her Soul Gem. She presses her fingers clumsily against her SCA.
sca - all
I need... help.
[Kyoko doesn't sound good. Her voice is thready and wavering, her breathing labored.]
This is... Kyoko. Purple Team. I'm... on the South Island. Somewhere. Kind of lost track. Hahaha... [That laugh doesn't exactly sound. Healthy.]
I need... purify -- If you can cleanse... curses, impurities, I don't know what else to call it. My Soul Gem... is... If something isn't done about it...
... Yondu... I... didn't want you to see me like this... but... I can't -- I'm sc... [I'm scared. She swallows the word down. Even now, she can't say it out loud where everyone can hear her.] I need you to... come get me. I can't walk.